In my weakness

"You are the God of the broken, a friend of the weak..." I've come to realize that I'm weak. Only it's okay. I know that in my weakness, I serve a God who is strong. When I serve Him in my weakness, I can do all things because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

As I was praying the other morning, God spoke a few things to me and I have been running them through my head for the past couple of weeks. First, I'm not weak if I cry. Second, I don't have to be perfect. Third, people can accept imperfection. Fourth, I don't have to appear to have it all together. Fifth, God is a God of the broken, a friend of the weak. Sixth, He is my strength in my weakness.

I have always viewed crying in my life as a weakness. Not for others, but for me. I thought it meant I couldn't handle life if I cried. I viewed myself as weak. I thought that I had to be perfect for people to accept me and to have credibility with them. I had to impress them. That is how I thought I had to earn their acceptance. If I did a perfect job, people would realize that I had it together. I would be respected. As far as having it all together, well, I thought that was another way to gain credibility with others. I didn't want to be seen as someone who couldn't hack life, who couldn't get it.

I look back over the last 27 years or so of my life and see how my thinking was so far off. I think about it now and still think how far I have to go. When God spoke this to me I had no idea how to take it. This is who I am. It's all I know. It's how I've always been. The thing is, I don't want to be that person. I want to be able to accept failure and be able to get back up and not be upset with myself. I don't want to be so perfect at everything that I'm obsessive about it. I want to be able to accept forgiveness and not feel condemned because I didn't do it perfect. I'm not perfect and I expect myself to be. When I realized that, I felt broken inside, weak. Like I let myself down. Like a failure. But as God revealed to me that He is "the God of the broken, a friend of the weak," I realized it's okay to be weak and broken. He can work with that. He can fix me. He can change my thinking. And, until that time comes, I live knowing that I am weak but in His strength I am made whole and strong again. I look to that day because I definately know that I'm not there. But at least now if I come to Him in tears, scared and not all together, I know that, yes, I'm weak, He is my God, my friend and He is strong enough to handle it.