So for the last couple of days, I feel like a girl. No offense to the ladies and it's not anything kinky. I can't put a finger on it. I have been going through these thought processes where I'll be sitting down, driving, or watching tv and something will happen and I'll just get teary. I can't explain. I don't dislike or feel wimpy (like I used to) but it's not normal for me.
I went to a funeral today. I thought about life and what I was doing with mine. It made me wonder how my life was and if I was doing ok. Also thought about what people would say if I was gone. Brought more tears. Don't know why. Kinda weird.
Something I've always worried about was death and being left behind (not like the book) but alone, not having anyone. My bro has been a po po officer for about 15 years and I finally am at the point where I don't worry too much about him. I've accepted the fact that he could die. But today, all I could think about was my bro being killed in the line of duty. Not a pretty topic. It bothers me. It's a real topic but not something I want to talk about. Frankly, I love my bro too much and wouldn't even speak of it before. But it's a real issue for me.
I'm a huge "West Wing" fan. I love it. I own all the seasons, have seen seasons 1-4 at least 3 times and can quote many of them. I just finished season 7 today and it had some fairly emotional parts but nothing I can't usually handle. At least it's not teary stuff. But yesterday and today, it was teary stuff for me. I tried to talk myself through it and say it's because there's no more West Wing but that's not it. It brought about thoughts that could really happen to me or that I've been through.
I can't explain what's going on in me. I've never been like this. I'm wondering if I'm actually normal now and wasn't before or am I now producing estrogen and not testosterone (kidding, but that's what I feel like and I don't have man boobs yet so I think I'm good). Is this normal "dude" stuff?
I have this multiple times a day. Many different topics. It's crazy.
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4 comments:
I think it's interesting how we think that "feeling" is a weird emotion only for the ladies. I resemble what you're talking about. I believe whether taught or self imposed, we learn to proud soldier it- nothing affects me. I'm stable, consistant, & a rock. It's not true. As I have had small glimpses of feeling & emotions & it hasn't been a bad thing. It feels awkward & unnatural because I've shut that part of me down but I know that God wants me/us to feel.
Proud soldier baby!!! Great saying, terrible way to go about life. I'm living proof. It's interesting how much hurt and problems come out of the bravado I've put on the last 28 years or so. Now I just have trouble knowing if I'm normal for actually feeling. The more I look at it, when I used to mock the ladies emotions, sometimes I jealous of them because they just let them fly.
I often catch myself wondering if they feel weird or less womanly after they have cried or gotten a little teary.
The first time that happened to me was when I was watching the 1998 NBA All-Star game and Kevin Garnett hit Kobe with a sweet pass for a dunk. It was a great moment, and I felt tears welling up. Wierd.
I have felt that way ever since. When I feel like I am truly connecting with someone or doing a good thing for or with them, I tear up. It's never obvious to people when it happens, though.
well as a lady i would have to say that i don't just let my emotions fly easily and that could just be me. i think this is more of a person to person thing. i was crying so much at sol's preschool graduation and i found myself having to explain why i was crying like it was a bad thing, it's not a bad thing to let those emotions out it's just somewhat embarassing when they come at times that really have no explanation. i think God does want us to let them go, it's good. i could relate to this blog because i have been very teary eyed myself lately and don't really know why. i guess it's better than feeling nothing.
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