In between my vomiting episodes I had some time to think about a couple of reasons that make me leery about commitment. These reasons are for multiple things: church, women, work or life in general.
1) I don't like having to be bound to be somewhere other than my normal 40-45 hours a week at work, if I don't have to be. I like having the freedom to do with my time what I want to. I don't like having a scheduled time to be somewhere on my days off. It's my time. I have to be at work but my time off is for me. I like knowing that I can leave or sleep in on a whim if I choose to do so.
2) In regards to church, I am hesitant to commit because I don't like being told what to do by my friends. A friend relationship is a friend relationship. When it becomes a friend-tell-a-friend-what-to-do-relationship, it's like a job. There's a dominant friend and I don't want that. I don't want my friends to tell me what to do because I don't tell them what to do.
Also, when I'm too committed to things, it begins to feel like a job. To me, church is not supposed to be that way. I want to enjoy church and not dread the things that revolve around it or that I'm involved in.
3)In regards to women, I probably have multiple reasons but this one comes to mind 1st. I am attracted to other women and I don't want to have those thoughts when I'm married. Other men tell me I will because that's normal but it really bothers me. I get nervous that I will have thoughts that I made a mistake in marrying the woman I've married. I obsess over that kind of stuff.
2nd, telling people intimate or deep things about me is difficult. I don't just let people in. A thought I have is that when I open up and tell that person about me, the real me, where I've been or what goes on in me, they will check out. I only open up to people I know who won't check out on me. It takes years for that.
I hear that one of the great things about marriage is getting to share things with one another but I don't know if I'm there yet. I have friends, people I would consider best friends, that don't know things about me. It's hard to say I could just open up to someone who I haven't known nearly as long.
I guess I don't want to short change the woman that is counting on me to be open with her when I don't know if I can be fully open with them at this point. It's something I know I can work through but it will definitely take some time.
3rd, I see so many marriages that suck. Friends and family who thought they knew what they were getting into. "Oops." I don't want an "Oops."
I see people that want to change each other. I don't want to be changed to fit someone else's mold. I want to change together, grow together. I've even had people in my past that didn't accept the way I did stuff because it was wrong. Who says it's wrong. It's not "your" way. I don't want that. Just accept Matty for Matty. At least being single you don't have to deal with that crap.
Those are just some thoughts I'll throw out there...
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3 comments:
1- Being "bound" somewhere outside of work is a part of life. While this may not be the case when you're single & responsible for no one and to no one, it will become reality. Living on a whim is overrated.
2- I would agree that you don't like being told what to do. I think within "church," you've had some bad experiences "working" for friends. Working for/with friends is the best. It makes work less like work. There are much worse things in life than being told what to do.
3- I like the Hitch way. Matt, a girl wants to see the real you, but not the whole you. I'd make sure the person is trustworthy before sharing the intimate details of Matt. Marriage shouldn't be feared. People are selfish retards. There is usually 1 big issue that causes marriages to fail. People are selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish. They may try to change the other person so they don't have to, or better yet, they blame the other person for their problems. Again selfishness mixed with pride.
Commitment is a part of life. When we commit to someone or something, we essentially give up some sort of freedom. It's not a bad thing. It teaches us to give ourselves away. I'm pretty sure the good book says something about that. Don't be afraid to commit.
what murdoc said...
And, Jay and I have been together almost 10 years... last week, he told me something about himself that made my jaw hit the floor. I thought I knew everything about him by now, but obviously I don't! And, that is okay, I don't think we need to dump all of our "stuff" on people in the name of getting to know each other. It is a progression that occurs naturally over time, if you let it.
Thanks for sharing, I always love hearing what you are thinking about:)
matty...i know a lot about you and if i were a woman i'd marry you ;)
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