Why not cry?

I'm was just sitting on the couch, watching the Giants lose (pretty common occurrence) and eating some frozen chocolate chips and I was thinking about how I was feeling tonight and why.

Truthfully, I feel like crying. I was thinking about why and remembered that I cried the other night and it made me feel better. So naturally, what did I do? I found something else to do so I don't have to deal with my emotions. That's my M.O. I run from it.

I can't really figure out why it is that I avoid it like the plague. Especially since it might make me feel better. It's a normal emotion, I tell myself, but it just takes it out of me. It does something to me. It's good but I just avoid getting to that point. Like I said, I don't know why.

I want to be able to understand my emotions. I guess what I'm saying is, if I need to cry, I just want to be able to let it go. It's hard. I've never been a crier.

I want to be emotionally healthy. I want to cry when I need to.

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I've been thinking a lot about my personality and so forth. I'll admit, I'm a bit of a pessimist. I guess I just say/think how I interpret the world around me and it's usually negative. I don't really look for the good in things. I just pretty much say it like I view it. I try to be positive, but to me, I'm not going to lie, life is messed up.

For a while now, I think God has been trying to change this in me but I've been resistant. It's funny how He works though. I have two buddies, (I'm not going to say Scotty & Jeffy's names) but every time I see them, talk to them, etc..., I ask how things are and they say "great." But not fake, they mean it. I get jealous of that. They're optimists by nature and I want that. No matter how much crap they endure they're still optimists.

I like seeing that. "Lord, please change me in this area." People want to be around optimists. I know I do.

Well, the chocolate chips need to get back to the freezer and "NUMBERS" is on. I've got to go. This is my show.